絮語

日期: 八月二十五日

她絮絮地述說著家庭瑣事，他拉著她的手靜靜地聆聽。

一個戴著可憐面具的女人向兩個女人遞出玩偶，企圖販賣包裝後的同情心。女子迅速掏出錢來，買下了玩偶。戴面具的女人走出咖啡館，又開始撥打公共電話尋找下一個同情者。

一個處於青春期的少年興高采烈地和母親一起把玩新玩具：手機，兩個人看起來像是朋友。媽媽一邊品嘗熱茶，一邊和少年談笑；少年一邊按著手機按鍵一邊接話。

兩個中年男子面對面坐著，穿黑色polo衫的男子以堅定的眼神向穿白底格紋襯衫的男子努力說服中。兩杯空了的飲料證明了這段談話的冗長。

三個穿著淡藍色襯衫的男人，話輪一回一回地輪轉。

幾根雪白髮絲的老翁靜靜地佔據角落沙發，報紙在他手上展開，一副老花眼鏡助老翁一臂之力。
這是下午四點半的咖啡館。一群陌生人在此互相陪伴，卻又互不相識。城市人的孤寂與裝模作樣填滿每一寸空間，即使看似親近卻也只是唱著一支獨唱曲。

【illustration】Rainbow at Ngarmid, Koror, Palau

Chinese Ghost Festival

Date: August 23, 2008

Chinese Ghost Festival is on the fifteenth of the seventh month by lunar calendar. This month is called “the month of ghosts”. Chinese legend says all ghosts are set free from the hell to enjoy their precious vacation in the human world in the month. In order to beg blessings from ghosts, people prepare great foods to please them.

In the legend, there is a high official of the hell who is responsible for assigning a dead soul to the heaven or the hell. It depends if a dead soul has been kind, generous, good mannered in the human world or not. In ancient time people blamed themselves for not serving the ghost well so they got punished in the form of disasters, episodes of deadly diseases or bad luck to individual families.

On the day of Ghost Festival, people hold a great procession by the will of the high official of the hell, Cheng Huang Ya. A committee of the Temple Cheng Huang organizes the procession. Cheng Huang Ya clears bad spirits and brings the peace to the human world in the procession. He leads his troop to perform this duty. There are two main generals in the troop. The tall general surnamed Xie has a white face and a mild temper. His partner, General Fan is short and black faced. He is well known for his bad temper. There are also two messengers of the hell join the procession. One is bull headed and the other is horse faced. The legend says only the dying can see these two messengers who bring the dead soul to Cheng Huang Ya.

In Hsinchu City, the procession goes along the original four fort gates which have disappeared because of the city development. It always attracts lots of people who either join the procession or watch it on the route. When the carriage of Cheng Huang Ya passes by, people burn incents. After it leaves a temple, firecrackers are set off too. What’s more interesting is people would grab pastry wearing on theses generals’ necks. The pastry symbolizes blessings from the gods.

Chinese Ghost Festival lasts for a month. In the end of the month all ghosts are supposed to return to the hell before it closes. The festival is not only the time for ghosts to enjoy the “vacation” but also the time for the live to show their respect to the dead and remember their ancestors.

進步

日期：八月十五日凌晨

終於，我向前邁進了一步，我欣喜自己的進步。

我會在水裡閉氣了，雖然短短十秒，抓著浮板，我終於敢把頭整個埋到水裡去而不借助浮潛道具呼吸。前天是這個暑假第二次到游泳池去，告訴自己這次要比上次進步，這鼓舞來自於偶然發現的部落格上面說的話：在水裡要放輕鬆，才不會成為阻力。

雖然沒在帛琉學成游泳，但是在那兒我學會放輕鬆點，享受海洋的寬闊。有時，我會開車到離住家不遠的long island park玩玩水。海水鹹鹹的，離岸邊稍遠的海水池底有珊瑚跟熱帶魚可看，身邊的小朋友總是那麼開心地玩水、跳水，也會大方地游來找我借大浮板，或是拉著岸邊樹上垂掛的繩索再盪到池面上噗通下海，我喜歡看他們親近海洋。

我對安全感的需求極高。在海邊，總是要確定海水到我的膝蓋上下，才敢放掉手上的浮板，發現自己游遠了就會非常緊張地靠岸。於是，我終究沒在那兒學成游泳。回來後，還是懷念被冰涼的海水擁抱全身的感覺，所以我告訴自己就到游泳池吧！害怕眾目睽睽，一開始還一個人躲在SPA池的角落練習閉氣。後來，覺得自己開心比較重要。長久以來我太在意別人對我的評價，那使我失去了很多。於是厚臉皮地去跟救生員借一個浮板，就到泳池的練習區去踢水前進，感覺自己的快樂指數慢慢往上爬升。前天再去的時候，決定放膽學學閉氣。鼻腔裡不小心吸進去的水直接掉進嘴裡，很不舒服，但是我告訴自己那是過程。想起小時候也是一個人在阿姨家門口練習騎腳踏車，害怕跌跤的情緒壓迫著我，其實也沒跌幾次就學會了。

我的心裡住著一個叫「害怕」的小惡魔，常常在不安的時候出現，如果選擇聽從，那我就學不會一項技術。我羨慕會游泳的人，但是卻一直被小惡魔制止自己去學習。自從小學在游泳班輟學後，就以為我不可能會游泳，也不可能學會閉氣。前天，我終於鼓起勇氣要打敗小惡魔，我打敗它了，原來試了幾次就會了，我卻被這個執念困住了二十年，真傻。人不也常常被自己的意念限制住自己嗎？雖然跨出去不難，人卻常常自我設限以取得自以為是的安全感。原來打敗心中的小惡魔是那麼開心，突破限制就像在告訴自己可以再往前進步。

去年我告訴自己要拿到碩士，不要再被困在論文裡。這一年，我告訴自己要學會游泳。甚至，我夢想著明年暑假回帛琉玩的時候，能出海去看魚，也能在海洋裡盡情地游上一回。

【圖片說明】牛奶湖 Milky way, Palau

飛

彩度飽滿的藍

我的舞台

奮力振翅起飛

然後悠然翱翔 不費力地

熱帶海洋 開心地呼喚新同伴

有時 並肩齊行

有時 照著自己的節奏 獨飛

有時 只想歇歇腳 為下次起飛充電

獨唱 獨舞

或許

某天

想跳一支雙人舞

哼一首雙人曲

Illustration: Carp Island, Peleiliu, Palau. The photo was taken by my friend, Xian.

咖啡

日期：七月二十八日

一杯燒焦的咖啡靜靜地端坐在黑色桌上，濃厚的焦味混著我的味蕾。發白的甜甜圈剩下一小段，靜靜地躺在白色糖粉上。甜甜圈是軟而無力的麵團，失去了甜甜圈原有的口感。這是某個連鎖咖啡店的餐食。焦味咖啡跟軟軟甜甜圈反應了人對事物的態度，或說，環境跟人是一連串的交互作用。

今天是颱風天，新竹不上班也不上課。我想，老天對新竹挺厚愛的。颱風總是輕輕掃過新竹，風偶爾有點強，雨下一下就停了，淹水很少聽過。當其他縣市開始淹大水、颳大風時，我還能跑到咖啡館裡喝一杯熱咖啡，打開電腦寫著這篇不知所云的心情札記。

我想起帛琉是沒有颱風的。因為帛琉的地理位置在關島西南方，恰巧在颱風形成帶的外圍。每當颱風在太平洋形成後，往亞洲移動時，帛琉就下一陣大雨，然後雨後天晴。記得有人告訴過我，在現代氣象學發達之前，帛琉北方的亞浦人（Yap）會來覲見帛琉女王，請求女王不要生氣，不要把颱風送到亞浦去。當然現在我們都知道，亞浦在熱帶氣旋形成移動的範圍內，所以是受影響的地方。我想起曾經有帛琉同事問我颱風是什麼樣子，我說，颱風來時會下很大的雨，颳起很強的風，台灣有些地方會淹水。聽起來沒什麼說服力，我知道。

窗外下起了斜斜的雨。我想，在這杯熱咖啡變冷之後，我會穿著雨衣騎摩托車回家。然後一邊將雜物歸位一邊偷閒看電視，在下次出太陽之前，房間就會煥然一新，完成我多年來的願望：整理房間。然後，我會少買廢物，在買東西之前會想想對環境是不是會產生危害。

關鍵字：颱風、房間、咖啡、愛地球、不知所云

【圖片說明】被我嚇壞了的藍色海星@North Beach Cottage, Palau

涼

日期：七月十七日

帛琉的海底世界比陸上精彩多了；大島(Babeldaob)的景色又比科羅州 (Koror)有趣多了。六月的一個週末我們去了傳說中的大瀑布，就是帛琉人口中的Ngarmau瀑布，台灣旅遊雜誌所稱的天使瀑布。

天使瀑布是全帛琉最大的瀑布，為了一睹盧山真面目必須先健行一段路程。我跟新光護士Cathy、同事Polo一開始踩著輕鬆愉快的腳步出發，我們兩個女生在入口各拿了一支手杖，Cathy還覺得手杖根本無用武之地，而年紀最大的Polo健步如飛，就跟台灣的原住民一樣體能超好。我們兩個自認是台灣飼料雞，而他是帛琉放山雞，飼料雞的腳程老是比放山雞慢得多。走著走著，我看到廢棄的鐵軌。Polo告訴我們這鐵軌是日本時代所建的，在山裡採集的礦產經由這條鐵路運下山。這也是帛琉見證日人統治的證據，任歲月湮滅這段痛苦的記憶。

傳說中的小河出現了。先前來過天使瀑布的朋友都提過這條小河，得拉著架好的麻繩涉水而過。我可以感覺我的小腿像是灼熱的鐵棒碰到冰冷的水一樣冒出蒸氣，一向討厭冷水的我又開始吱吱叫。想不到小河不是最厲害的挑戰，大家沒提到的恐怖障礙在我沒心裡準備的情況下出現了，那就是泥巴路。這段林道樹木交錯、枝葉茂盛，好像綠色陽傘高高撐著，但是地面就不那麼美了，都是爛泥巴。Polo在前面領軍就已經提醒我們兩個要踩在樹根上，我們兩個雖然都明白這小密技，可是我們還是不小心一腳踩進爛泥巴裡，還得使力才能脫困。我腳上的粉紅塑膠拖鞋和著爛泥巴，整腳都是水狀的泥巴，每前進一步就會有爛泥被壓出拖鞋而失去磨擦力，覺得自己就像失控的汽車一直在打滑。好不容易出現小水窪，哪管水乾不乾淨，只管先洗去過多的泥巴就好。好在手杖派上用場，讓我在失衡中找到平衡。

歷經一番狼狽，終於看到傳說中的天使瀑布。當然，這個瀑布比起曾親眼看過的尼加拉瓜大瀑布來說，簡直是小巫見大巫，卻有一種空靈的美。我鼓起勇氣站在瀑布下，讓流瀉而下的水柱拍打我的背。健行之後，身體熱得很，當下只想泡在冰水裡。一開始還是要亂叫一陣，但是習慣水溫後，反而通體舒暢。瀑布像白絹有力量地流瀉，很美。記得高中讀的陋室銘這麼寫著：「山不在高，有仙則名；水不在深，有龍則靈。」說的是這樣的意境吧！感謝Polo跟Cathy陪我探索這個彩虹之鄉。

【圖片說明】Cathy與我。

一年

Date: July 11, 2008

Location: Hsinchu, Taiwan

Time flies so fast. I can’t believe that one year has passed. I flew to Palau on July 11 last year and launched my one-year-adventure in this tropical island. I didn’t know where Palau is located. I had no ideas about the island which is nicknamed as “Rainbows End” before my plane landed there. I just know I was going to take an adventure in a to-me-unknown country.

That night I flew into the one runway international airport of Palau. I didn’t know anyone on the island. All I had with me was courage. I chose another lifestyle other than a common one. Everything started with that night in the airport. A secretary of Taiwan embassy and two staff members of Palau Community College came to the airport to pick me up. They were sparkles which brought me more and more friends into my life in Palau. So many great friends and so much warm friendship that made me hard to leave this beautiful island after serving one year there.

Nine days has flown away since I left the great island full of marvelous memories, high and low. Now I am sitting in my best friends’ coffee shop in Hsinchu Taiwan. I seem to see the sky as blue as deep oceans and clouds as white as snow and as soft as cotton balls. I can see the blue and clear ocean with rock islands dotting around. I can see the great smile from my great friend---Polo.

Well, I have to admit today is the day I miss Palau a lot. I miss my great friends.

【Illustration】My humorous friend - Polo with that squid ring in Dragon Tei which is our favorite restaurant in town.

帛琉休止符

June 30, 2008In Rock Island Cafe

A chapter of my life in Palau is going to draw a conclusion. I had never imagined what my life would be like in the tropical island before I arrived here. If life was a picture, mine in Palau was black-and- white in the beginning and color in the end. All the credits went to people I had met no matter what their nationalities are---Taiwanese, Palauan, Filipino, American, Chinese or Japanese.

I grew up in a city in Taiwan. I have never imagined swimming in a natural pool and snorkeling in the deep water with marvelous corals, colorful reef fish, sea turtles and gentle sharks. I loved kayaking in a peaceful lagoon and in a challenging mangrove area. I loved visiting waterfalls, sitting under waterfalls, being kissed by small creek shrimps. I loved going off-road in a four-wheeled van and embraced the unknowns. I loved visiting the farm of Taiwan Technical Mission and picked up produces myself. I loved taking a photo safari tour and visited sites of Palauan legends and traditions. I loved having Barbeque and beer with great friends. There were so many beautiful memories of Palau.

Palau has expanded my vision. I have never imagined that I can get to know so many people with different cultural backgrounds and occupations. High government officials, the ambassador, diplomats, businessmen, chefs, bankers, agricultural specialists, doctors and nurses, my colleagues in Palau Community College and many others have brought me unique experience. They have taught me a lot in different aspects.

I cherish all the beautiful memory of my life in Palau and friends I have made in Palau. I appreciate everyone who has joined me in my life here. Good bye.

【Illustration】a boat in my favorite dock, Ngarmid, Koror, Palau

中獎了

三瓶啤酒、一個小西瓜、一個蕃茄、一串葡萄、一個馬鈴薯，這就是這個星期幸運中獎所換來的獎品。WCTC很妙，收銀員不論購物金額多少都會在收據上貼上摸彩票，最近我才知道不特定的日子裡還可能得到兩張或三張彩票。這次真幸運中了兩張五塊的。是的，以上這些食物花了我十二塊多。葡萄簡直是奢侈品，所以很久沒吃到了，葡萄是此間作客送禮的好禮物。那顆蕃茄身價頗高，也很少出現在我的食物清單上。啤酒嘛，偶爾喝之心情好。

換回來這些獎品就擺到桌上，想拍張照片紀念，這過程讓我想起高中參加美術社畫靜物的畫面。那時畫的是優雅的姬百合，手上揮動的是粉彩筆。那是第一次接觸粉彩，感覺很好。現在取景的對象是食物，心境走務實派，手上拿的是照相機。粉彩筆跟照相機最相似的特質就是它們提醒我，我還有點藝術細胞。

獨白

在帛琉的這段日子有苦有樂，也從跟人的互動裡有了新的看法跟體認，總的來說收獲不少。有時看看網友的部落格寫了詳細的食記或是遊記，非常佩服，但自己對那樣鉅細彌遺的風格不太在行，在餐廳吃飯也不好意思拿出照相機來。有一次學妹說想從我的部落格看一看帛琉的風光，真的覺得很不好意思，因為這裡有的是我自己的獨白，或說「心情垃圾」，而照片就那幾張而已。
不太會安排生活，在這裡能真正交心的朋友又不多，寂寞常常會悄悄爬上來。重看「濃情巧克力」幾次，那個馬雅女子呼應北風的招喚，帶著女兒到不同的地方去分享馬雅巧克力的傳統配方。或許在某個小鎮生活才要開始，只要狡猾的北風吹起，他們又得搬家前往下一個需要他們的地方。有時覺得自己也滿像那個隨風而行的馬雅女子，在某地的任期期滿時，就得決定走或是留下來。也許有一天走累了，就會留下來吧！

【圖片說明】Rock Islands。中間那個小島看起來像不像小鯨魚啊？